The Sinner
by littleninjin
Summary: How do you know what I really need? No one ever knew, before. Even he, he never knew I wanted.  yaoi. Gojyo/Sanzo


I do not own Saiyuki and made no money writing this.

You are the sin. I am the sinner.

You are temptation looking right through my defenses, smoke curling like beckoning fingers toward a mouth I should not want. A mouth you have used on so many others. And I am just one of many. Use it on me now, you bastard. Isn't that why we're here? Use it on me. Use it all over me.

"You're so tense, princess."

"Shut up, and get lost before I kill you."

I don't want to hear your words, jackass. Your stupid teasing. Your stupid lies. Your mouth is only good for one thing- one thing -

Oh...

Why do I do this? Why do I need this? To be touched and to feel like a whore? I shouldn't want to be a whore. I shouldn't want to be. I fight it. I hate it. But I want it. Need it. Oh, but I do... Oh, shit. I do. In some secret place deep inside of me, you were able to see the sick little bitch I really am. The nasty boy I always wanted to be. And you called out to that boy with your sex and your filth and your sin.

Why do you look at me? "Don't look at me!" I do not want to know that you like it. I do not want to know anything. I want to forget, forget everything. The way it feels to want someone so bad you forget yourself. And he forgets himself. And you lose each other - forever. No! Stop looking at me! Close your eyes. I don't want to know. I don't. I just don't.

Don't you dare.

Just be my sin. Let me use you. Be the one to use me, too. I'll bend over. That's right. Look at that ass. You know you want to fuck it. Just use it. Use me. That's all. Nothing else.

"What an offer. Not the nice and round rump I usually prefer, but I can oblige you, monk."

Make it fast. Do it dry. Yes- make it hurt. I need it to hurt.

Make it hard. Make it dirty. Like that- pull my hair. "Harder."

"Whatever you say." Make me dirty.

I am, after all, a sinner.

I shouldn't have loved him. That's why it happened. That's why I lost everything. I should have been, so long ago, when I lost that thing, the only thing I cared about. He was my everything, and he knew it. That's why he felt like he had to protect me. From myself. And then from them. I lost everything. I should have died, I should have died, they should have torn me to pieces, and used my body and let me die-

Take me, you fuck. Make me your whore, like all the whores you had before. Make me scream. Oh, yes. Make me beg you to stop. Like this. But don't you dare, dare stop.

You're my sin, Gojyo. You let me be the sinner. You let me be all the things I can not be: lost and depraved. Why do you let me make you so terrible? I should not do this. I should not need this, and yet you give it to me. I should not take this, again and again. And yet you never say no. Even when I say no.

And I always say no.

How do you know what I really need? No one ever knew, before. Even he, he never knew I wanted.

"Sanzo..."

"Not Sanzo-" You know what name to use. The secret name, the one no one ever should use.

"K-Kouryuu!"

That's right! That's who I am right now. Kouryuu needs to be abused right now. Fuck that little bitch the way he needed it. The way he wanted it. The way Master never, never-

Don't turn me over! No! I do not want to look at you! Not now. Don't look at my face when I am this way! You shouldn't! You can't! You must not!

"Is that who you really are?" Don't touch my face. Yes! No! Don't! "Deep down under those robes? Right here?" Your hand slides down, down, down, and you push so deep inside me I can't deny when you touch me. I can't hold back. I can not stop myself from committing this sin -

"Yes! I am Kouryuu! I am!"

I need to be. Just for a little while.

"Does Kouryuu need to feel good?"

"Yes!" He does. I do. Just for a little while. "Make me feel good!"

"Kouryuu, I always want you to feel good." You lean forward. You- my sin - you see me. The river rat. The desperate lonely boy who only wants one thing. And that one thing is gone. "It's okay to feel good."

Then I come apart. Pieces of me scatter, and for a moment I feel alive.


End file.
